I sit down to write for a prescribed journaling exercise. It asks me about the things I’ve done to support other people in life, and then what would it look like to do the same kinds of things for myself.
I have thoughts.
I have low serotonin.
I get about so far as to lean my face into my palms and listen to the sounds in the quiet room–some bird chirping far away through glass; the water filter chugging away and squeaking in the basement. I decide: If I can’t even decide to give myself a nap right now, do I really need a bucket list dream plan to figure out if I should go back to college??
OK, the answers could be dialed down a notch, like, say, for me. I mean, the journal exercise seems to be written in a very-self friendly way, and I could make up all my own answers. Very subjective. But, I can’t even write answer no. 2, even while it may be helpful for me to take stock and become aware of what my relationship with myself is really like. But, the point is… PLAN to do some things for myself?? vs. just go do something for myself?
Taking a nap is very personal; is so not glamorous or inspiring to anyone else; won’t put a dent in my to do list; a nap won’t walk the dog, put away groceries, or provide food for anyone.
It’s only for me. But, I don’t need a worksheet introspective spiritual journey journaling exercise to figure out: ain’t nothing going to happen, even if I write it down, if I cannot go take a nap. This person who wrote that worksheet might not be the guru for me, at this time. I just need the guru that pops up 4 times a day and says, "Umm, Rachel, don’t eat that chocolate right now. Rachel, go take a nap right now. Rachel, don’t check your email right now. Rachel, load the dishwasher and shut down the house now and go to sleep yourself." Essentially that would be like a PDA (personal digital assistant) reminding me, only better–it would NOT be a PDA. Instead, it would be a holographic mother image 3 times as large as a human and would hover around watching me until I did the things. Kind of, essentially, like a deity of old, watching my every move to see if I do a good job going through life. The very nitty gritty life. And, treating myself kindly.